This week’s question is “Why do you do all the things you do? and, what would happen if you stopped doing them?” At its face, it probably seems like a strange question. But, put it into the context of my need to be constantly doing something and unable to just “be”, and suddenly it not only makes perfect sense, it becomes a hard question.
So, why do I do all the things I do? Why am I over-the-top involved wherever I go, whether it’s work, church, whatever it is? My gut response is that it gives me a purpose. It gives me a reason to be there. I don’t need to justify my presence, because obviously I’m needed.
Which is probably the next reason: to be needed. To be valued for what I’m doing. I love to be people’s “go-to” person. That if they need someone, they know they can ask me, and I’ll get it done, and get it done well.
Another reason? Avoidance. It’s easier to start another project at church than deal with uncomfortable things at home. It’s always easier to help someone else’s kids than raise your own.
Why else am I always on the run, always off to do something else? Well, that way, if no one wants to talk to me, it’s ok. I have something to do. At 35 years old, I’m still afraid to stand in the church foyer by myself, for fear that no one will want to come talk to me. Or to walk up to a group of people in conversation, because what if they won’t include me?
What? Didn’t I get past that when I was a kid? Apparently not. That’s me – the loud, confident, put-me-in-charge-of-everything, give-me-the-microphone, go-to person. Worried that people won’t like me. Worried that no one will want to talk to me. So I cover it all up with being very, very busy.
Ouch. So, why am I admitting this? Why am I putting this out for the world to see? Lonely woman sitting at home with nothing else to do? Wanting the whole world to feel sorry for me? Nope. I’d be willing to bet that’s there’s a lot more people out there just like me. Covering up their fear of not fitting in with something, whatever that something might be.
So, then to the second question: what would happen if you stopped? Terrifying thought, really. Means suddenly being vulnerable. Taking away everything I do to cover up my insecurities, and just be me. And not just me to the world. Just me to God. To stop being so busy working for God that I don’t stop and listen to Him.
Well, we’re going to find out. Things are going to get a bit simplified over here – I’m going to be taking a break from volunteering in the Sunday morning worship services. Now, you need to understand, I’ve been pretty busy. Pretty busy, as in, there’s been one Sunday in the past year that I wasn’t involved in something. Don’t get me wrong – this was because I wanted to. I love it! Whether it’s running projection, playing piano, reading Scripture, singing in the choir – I love being involved in Sunday morning worship. Honestly, I’ve shed more than a few tears this week over this decision, but I know it’s the right one.
The right decision for my kids and the right decision for me. Doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy….but, I’m trusting God will show me the way through it.